Trust the Process

December 18, 2010

After Day 1 of our last 3 days of Teacher Training, a quiet voice inside is saying these words to me. Don’t hurry! Trust the Process! I had taken this photo of a card a while back to remind myself then.

During our Group Teach class tonight, I noticed that I wasn’t as scared as I have been preparing to be. What’s funny is I totally messed up and almost repeated one side thinking we hadn’t done it, but we had. I remembered a time when one my teachers did this, and they laughed it off, so I did too, and people smiled. I was ok. I felt human, and I actually made a joke.I was still red in the face, but that was the mildest side effect of teach-fright I have had so far.

I also noticed that I am going to have so much time to prepare before my classes in the future. The classes we have been teaching are put together in a mere 40 minutes, divided up, and we have very little time to prepare before students begin showing up. I can’t imagine doing anything like that in the future, and that is also comforting because I feel like if I can do that, I can do anything.

Ahhh, as I sit here drinking my hot cocoa, I am getting excited about tomorrow. I am sad about this being the end, but I know inside that its really only the beginning.

What are your thoughts on teaching now versus when you started this course?

I will teach someday, I know that. I am just not sure when I will be ready to teach. I feel like I should be asking some deeper questions, but I honestly don’t know what to ask other than, what could work on most to become a stronger teacher/student? Right now I feel like I have barely had any time to let all this stuff sink in even over the course of 5 months. It’s a lifetime of information, and I feel like the only way to ingest it is to actually go over it again, and start applying what I have learned to my own practice along with beginning to teach friends. I am at a place in my life right now where I can see the light at the end of the tunnel, I have visions of what I will become, but I am trying to balance that with accepting the beginners mind.

After Havi came, I felt like a million bucks. I came home with a smile, thinking “I can do anything.” I thought everything was going to fall into place and I was going to remember all the wonderful things I have learned in training, and if I didn’t I would still be ok. I was thinking “Me and all my fears, we are going to be ok?”. I had a nice afterglow that lasted about 20 minutes till I talked about it with someone who flattened me out and gave me a taste of logic-pie. As much as I know he is right about a lot, (I need to know my poses back and forth, I need to be able to be clear, and I need to be able to recall information and not stutter through a class), but to me it’s more about him having faith in me, and I in myself. That’s what got me the most. I felt like squashed of my confidence, since its in such a fragile state. Maybe I am the kind of girl that needs some sugar coating to get me through the darker moments. Right now I need a lot of encouragement and I guess I am expecting it, and getting the opposite is painful. I still have a lot of fear in my throat, and it’s coming and going in waves. On one hand I want to accept it because that’s apart of me, but I want to change it and get better. This goes all the way back to lovingkindness- how can I accept, but still change?

In the same article, Mary talks about a few things that really opened my eyes. She says to ‘Wait until you feel ready(whenever that is???)…’I would recommend assisting or following a respected teacher around for a couple of years’(I think-a couple of years?holy shit! That’s a great idea, I would love to continue to assist after this course. ).”

I don’t want to be another teacher that ‘does more harm than good’. And right now, I wish I had more time to dedicate to this, but I am fighting with the reality that I have a pretty full life. I am doing my best, but I don’t know if it’s possible for me to work full time as a teacher and become a yoga teacher. How do people do that?? I want to say that I can, but this has been the most challenging year of my life! And I am so tired.

I am thinking that I will be teaching friends for a while right now, and hopefully assisting when I can. In my heart I know that this will take more time than I had originally imagined, and that I need to keep working at it, and stay in my practice. I have never been so immersed in something before. I have never loved a subject more than this before. Yoga has taught me so much about my life, and I know I am never going to be ‘done’. I can’t imagine not being teacher, or letting go of the practice, especially all the yamas and niyamas.

I realize that my biggest obstacle are the limitations I put on myself. I can come up with so many excuses, so many victimizing thoughts, but I notice them now. I see clearly what I am doing. I forget which article it was in, but in this last packet of articles someone wrote about how they still had these ‘issues’ come up in their behavior, but the difference was that now they noticed it. That’s the first step, the being aware, right? So I am going to keep taking those steps, and hopefully one day (sooner than later, I hope), I will be ready!

Surrender

December 9, 2010

What, most simply, can you surrender to this week?

I am surrendering to the things I have no control over. Lately, I have not been very impeccable with the words that come through my lips. I feel like I have been complaining a lot about this and that- about work, and being too busy, that I am creating misery in my life by doing this. It’s not very yogic of me, to say the least.
There’s a HUGE lack of yamas and tapas here.

I read in a recent article in Yoga Journal a little inspiration in this direction as well. “Shift your perspective”, advises Sue Frederick, the author of Dancing at Your Desk: A Metaphysical Guide to Job Happiness and Brilliant Day: 7 Quick Solutions to Turn Your Day Around. “Focusing on problems brings you to the low end of your energy continuum,” explains the longtime meditator. “Start thinking about solutions, and your energy shifts.””
In this article she explains the ways meditation can truly help the way you feel at work too, and meditating is what I intend to do to help make this change. I’ve been working up to 3 sits per week, but I’m in a place now where I am doing it every morning before my yoga practice. I’ve even been sneaking in my pranayama practice on my lunch break.

I know for a fact that I have been wasting my sacred energy on things out of my control, and that is possibly one of the reasons I am so tired and quite honestly, so grumpy some times. It occurred to me when I was talking with Paul the other night, I was rehearsing the same old frustration at work with him, when he kindly, and wisely asked me if there was any way I could focus on the good things at work instead of the bad.(I have thought of this, but hearing him say it to me, at that moment, in this sweet way, helped tremendously). He also asked if what was happening really had all that much to do with me and my work, or if I could allow it to just be there, and again, focus on the positive stuff. I had previously told him that the “crap” i was putting up with was about 10% of my experience, but i was allowing it to override all the sweet stuff the kids do, and put me in a bad mood. He’s so right. There is a lot of stuff I love about my job. It was such a refreshing reminder.

So, my intention is to let go or surrender to the things I have no control over, and put my focus on what is good, or what I like and enjoy instead of holding on to the things others do like they are mine to carry around. This really just makes me laugh to think about all the time I have been wasting mulling over, talking about, and wrapping myself up in these stories about why it’s soooo bad. I am letting go of the stories I have made. Ive had my gloves on, and I’ve been dueling with someone elses reality. How silly!