This post is more of a conglomerate of thoughts on questions in the homework regarding expectations, samtosha, and the Bhagavad Gita. There were so many things in my head when I wrote this so I apologize if it seems all over the place.

These past few weeks at work have been strange. I am counting down the hours by 2pm. I really cant stand working till 5. I feel like I have no time to do what I want to after work, and I am drained working under these circumstances. Besides that, my workplace has just been so wishy washy in terms of rules, leadership, and overall contentment as a staff. Some days are better than others, but that makes it even harder because I come in expecting things to finally be better, but it’s not. My boss is a sweet lady but she is getting caught up in lying to us, and doing things that are very unprofessional with the staff. It’s draining for everyone and we are beginning to show it more and more. What is bothering me the most is I used to be such a positive force here, and I felt like I was almost untouchable by the negative stuff others would say, but lately I haven’t lived up to my own expectations. Everyday I get off and I am so relieved to be gone, but I get a little upset at myself for not being happy, and for not acting like everything is fine for the kids and parents. I hate masks. I am not a good pretender. The one thing I keep going over and over is “What would I do if I knew this is where I am supposed to be right now?”. I do believe that each experience in life can either be dismissed or taken as a learning opportunity. I try to do the latter, but lately I feel like maybe it’s just time to move on a lot of the time.

I feel like there is stagnation, and I am craving change.

I am wishing for things to be different. In the book Lovingkindness, Sharon Salzburg writes “Our vision becomes very narrow when we need things to be a certain way and cannot accept things the way they actually are.” I don’t know if I unaccepting, or if I am just acknowledging that there is a problem and am ready to move on to save myself from depression and stress.

Am I am imagining that the grass is always greener, and that my situation would be so much better if I worked somewhere else?

Totally.

But who knows right? I know that I want to work for someone who is a good leader, and for a place that is crawling with inspiration and opportunities to grow. But, since I don’t have anything lined up, what am I supposed to learn here at this job? And when will it be time for me to move on in a peaceful way? I am caught between two opposing views. One view says, “Ok, so this is your job right now, and you should do the best you can, and come from a place of unattachment to the negative things that happen..or to the positive ones for that matter”.

In the Bahgavad-Gita Chapter 2.47-48, it says “You have a right to your actions, but never to your actions’ fruits. Act for the action’s sake. And do not be attached to inaction. Self possessed, resolute, act without any thought to results; open to success or failure. This equanimity is yoga.” I understand that the attachment to things in general is where we create suffering because everything is subject to change, but this verse creates a sort of itch I can’t quite scratch; it also makes me feel confused and bewildered at how I would even go about being so detached from my work and my feelings.

A conflicting belief to this “being with what I have-santosha”, is what I have applied to my life via the movie The Secret. I have lived the past 4 years believing that I live in a reality that I create. I still believe this. I also have used the Law of Attraction to create more in my life-whether it was intending to find the perfect house, the perfect partner, the right opportunity, the right job, and even new friends. And these things have come, even material things like furniture, and cars. I just can’t imagine being so unattached that I don’t have any control over my life anymore, and allowing myself to “act without any thought of result”, just doesn’t quite melt my cheese. I want to enjoy my work, and maybe I am being too literal, like Michelle noted as she patted us all on the head during the discussion of the BG, but I feel like there is a fine line between having intention in your work, but having no thought on the outcome. It seems like one would become numb. I am ready to get a new job, and I have tried to find ways to be ok with the way things are, but I am still dying to get out of there 2 hours before I actually leave, and just find myself shaking my head all the time at the things that happen. It’s hard. So…do I stay…trying my best to be unattached? Try my best to be a light, be a source of love and joy? or do I intend to get a new job that inspires me, and adds some joy, and light to my life? This is where I come to a crossroads. I see a stale comfort even though I am wanting change. I am asking for some help here, Goddess? Send me some strength and guidance to do what is best right now in this life.