To Teach or Not to Teach…yet

December 17, 2010

What are your thoughts on teaching now versus when you started this course?

I will teach someday, I know that. I am just not sure when I will be ready to teach. I feel like I should be asking some deeper questions, but I honestly don’t know what to ask other than, what could work on most to become a stronger teacher/student? Right now I feel like I have barely had any time to let all this stuff sink in even over the course of 5 months. It’s a lifetime of information, and I feel like the only way to ingest it is to actually go over it again, and start applying what I have learned to my own practice along with beginning to teach friends. I am at a place in my life right now where I can see the light at the end of the tunnel, I have visions of what I will become, but I am trying to balance that with accepting the beginners mind.

After Havi came, I felt like a million bucks. I came home with a smile, thinking “I can do anything.” I thought everything was going to fall into place and I was going to remember all the wonderful things I have learned in training, and if I didn’t I would still be ok. I was thinking “Me and all my fears, we are going to be ok?”. I had a nice afterglow that lasted about 20 minutes till I talked about it with someone who flattened me out and gave me a taste of logic-pie. As much as I know he is right about a lot, (I need to know my poses back and forth, I need to be able to be clear, and I need to be able to recall information and not stutter through a class), but to me it’s more about him having faith in me, and I in myself. That’s what got me the most. I felt like squashed of my confidence, since its in such a fragile state. Maybe I am the kind of girl that needs some sugar coating to get me through the darker moments. Right now I need a lot of encouragement and I guess I am expecting it, and getting the opposite is painful. I still have a lot of fear in my throat, and it’s coming and going in waves. On one hand I want to accept it because that’s apart of me, but I want to change it and get better. This goes all the way back to lovingkindness- how can I accept, but still change?

In the same article, Mary talks about a few things that really opened my eyes. She says to ‘Wait until you feel ready(whenever that is???)…’I would recommend assisting or following a respected teacher around for a couple of years’(I think-a couple of years?holy shit! That’s a great idea, I would love to continue to assist after this course. ).”

I don’t want to be another teacher that ‘does more harm than good’. And right now, I wish I had more time to dedicate to this, but I am fighting with the reality that I have a pretty full life. I am doing my best, but I don’t know if it’s possible for me to work full time as a teacher and become a yoga teacher. How do people do that?? I want to say that I can, but this has been the most challenging year of my life! And I am so tired.

I am thinking that I will be teaching friends for a while right now, and hopefully assisting when I can. In my heart I know that this will take more time than I had originally imagined, and that I need to keep working at it, and stay in my practice. I have never been so immersed in something before. I have never loved a subject more than this before. Yoga has taught me so much about my life, and I know I am never going to be ‘done’. I can’t imagine not being teacher, or letting go of the practice, especially all the yamas and niyamas.

I realize that my biggest obstacle are the limitations I put on myself. I can come up with so many excuses, so many victimizing thoughts, but I notice them now. I see clearly what I am doing. I forget which article it was in, but in this last packet of articles someone wrote about how they still had these ‘issues’ come up in their behavior, but the difference was that now they noticed it. That’s the first step, the being aware, right? So I am going to keep taking those steps, and hopefully one day (sooner than later, I hope), I will be ready!


3 Responses to “To Teach or Not to Teach…yet”

  1. leililearninglife Says:

    Yes, have faith! There is time to break down poses and work on speech — but no one can replicate the love you put behind the practice. 🙂

  2. cyndra Says:

    I agree with Leili. 🙂 Let more Havi-voice in and push the other voices out. One of my psychology professors told us once, in response to a question about what will happen if we hurt someone, “The actual likelihood of you hurting someone is miniscule, but the likelihood that you will help someone is immense.” As long as you are coming from a place of authentic desire to help others you will be fine. Trust me, a faltering of your speech will only give your students more permission to be human, something all of us can use a little more of. XO

  3. Traci Says:

    Oh Sierra…you are so amazing. You have grown so much. I wish I could wave a magic wand and make you feel the power you really have…the beauty in your intentions, the love in your heart for brining this Yoga to the community, the caring you show when you talk about your kids…please, please don’t give the kind of power to anyone – no matter who they are- to crush your spirit…don’t you dare give them that power. Hold tight to your Havi-ness!! It is there inside you. Just remember the class without speaking? The mumbling class? the “I have marbles in my mouth” class? Your heart is absolutely enormous…how lucky are we to feel your love!

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