It’s amazing what arises…

August 15, 2010

After the second day of our 2nd weekend in teacher training, I am feeling very sensitive and emotional. I feel like I have taken on a cleaning expedition and am standing in the dusty aftermath, coughing, and wheezing from the swept up dust and dirt. It’s amazing what arises! This evening I felt like I had a dam in my throat and a whole lake of tears, words, and emotions building up, waiting to release…needing to release, somehow. Why? Here’s some possible answers. The past month I have made some changes, have been reading a lot of soul-searching material, and have been working on setting worthy intentions on a daily basis. I have also been putting a lot of pressure on myself (ahimsa??), and wanting these results NOW! Patience is another thing I am working on. But, in asking for it, I receive opportunities to instill it. It’s unfortunately not something I can order on Amazon. 😦 So tonight I needed someone. I needed to cry on someone’s shoulder, to be on the same page, to feel connected to, and receive attention, and interest from someone in particular. I needed to share my experiences, and feel important, and be heard. I didn’t  realize how badly I needed this interaction until an hour ago, after I had a break down. I literally felt like a wreck inside, a hungry, tired wreck, and I felt very alone! I was able to find a grounding cord all the way over in Hawaii, with my dear friend Nichole, who gently patched me up and made me feel whole and understood. The power of this women is truly amazing. She shared a similar experience during a time when she was first practicing Kundalini yoga. She helped me see that this time I am dedicating to make positive changes in my life is going to fiddle with, and stir up stuff inside, and that it can be uncomfortable. But it’s going to be O.K. WHEW! I can’t explain what a relief it is to have someone tell me that I am not crazy, and that my feelings are valid,  and that I am allowed and encouraged to express them truthfully despite what anyone says. So, to anyone else feeling emotional…I feel you.

On a side note, but coincidentally, I found this article that put my mind a bit more at ease. This article gave me perspective on something we have been talking about it class, being authentic. When I become a yoga teacher, this is something I sill strive for. I don’t have a hard time being myself, but I have had these preconceived ideas of what a “yoga teacher” does and does not do. I feel like this article was just what I needed to read tonight to clear the air in my mind a little more. ACHoooo! sigh…

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